Secrete Audacity


But, shit, I started my period today.

This is so not cool. I was eating lunch, and Chu wasn’t there. So we asked a bunch of people and they said she was in the bathroom. Well she was “in the bathroom” for a long time, so I joked with Brenda about how maybe she’s having her period. Then I ask her lots of questions about hers.

When we were dismissed, meaning we could get up and walk around or stay and eat for another 10 minutes before classes started again, I said I was going to check on Rosemerry. Well she wasn’t in the bathroom. But I had to go. So I go. And when I go to wipe, there’s … blood … on the toilet paper. I freaked out. So I wiped a few more times to check if I was really bleeding, and I was. So I left the bathroom and went to find Brenda, and I guess I looked like I was gonna start crying ’cause she was all, “What’s wrong?” And she and Rin follow me out to the hallway and I start crying.

It’s so not cool. Then Mom picked me up and whatnot, but I want Chu to give me a big hug tomorrow morning because I feel like absolute shit. And she won’t pick up her phone, dammit!! 😡


{November 5, 2006}   Should I Act…?


So I got up at nine this morning.

Which is odd, because I don’t usually sleep in on the weekends. Well, not too much. It’s not like I get up at six every morning, just the days I have to. Anyway, so I woke up but I kept my eyes closed for a long time. I was still sort of half-asleep. The air was quiet. I started thinking about what Rin had told me yesterday.

“You should act. You seem to really like it, and you do it a lot.”

I don’t act a lot, I don’t think. I like to pretend things when I’m alone or with my friends, and I role play and do some voice acting, but I’m not so sure I do it too much… But then again, I’m probably wrong.

But then again there was that time in Rin’s garage last weekend, where the creepy sounds were on and that light thing was flashing on and off, and I had my pixie costume on, and I’d act out the sounds like they were really happening to me. It was fun. And it was almost like I wasn’t even in her garage anymore, but really inside some creepy mansion or a graveyard with a monster chasing after me. Rin told me that at the times I should probably look scared I really did, but not all fakey-scared. I even screamed once or twice.

Hmm. Weird. But then there’s the whole stage-fright issue. I hate giving a speech in front of the class or any form of audience, but I’m not sure if that’s the same when I’m in character. And if you’re trying to be in character but you feel stupid, you’ll act stupid and it’ll look stupid. But if you’re in character, like really in, it doesn’t look stupid and you don’t feel stupid nessecarily. Unless, of course, your character is supposed to look stupid. 🙂

Well, I’ve got horseback riding and I have to go to the tutor twice a week. That’s four days I’ve got something to do. And if school play rehersals go every day until 3:45, then I really can’t do it. But… whatever. I’ll ask Masaki about it. He’s the stage manager of the fall play that’s going on right now; he’d know.

{November 5, 2006}   Hey there.

Hey there.

I’m Cailel Aakkwe. This is kind of like my other blog, but a little different. I’m 13 and have no reason to hate my life. For more info, check the “about me” thing.. or my other blog, whatever. I’m not too interesting at times, but sometimes I can be.

What’s with the freaky tagline? “I look at my scarred heart, and the blood dripping down the wall, and I still suppress tears that need to fall.” Yes, those are lyrics to a song I wrote after I was released from the hellish prison I was in last year, and it reflects back on those nightmarish days. I’ll post the song up someday … maybe. But know this: I am not Goth. I’m not emo. I wasn’t Goth or emo last year, but I kind of acted like it. I’ll explain it all later. Maybe.

All right, that’s that. I’m leaving now.


et cetera